bringing me back to life.

so i kind of disappeared for the better part of a month, yes? i feel like i'm trying to shed my skin and it just won't leave. granted, we're only twelve days into the first month of the year but when you're ready you're ready.

to start the year i feel like i can't really blog (or live) if i can't be honest about my life, so i'm going to lay it all out in an effort to feel a little freer from this. keeping it a secret is such a burden when you're a natural over-sharer. and what's a blog without a little too much information? ;)

my therapist calls it major clinical depression and anxiety. so i have a therapist. and a mood disease. this means i'm on a boatload of medications to level out my emotions and my brain, plus it means i'm always riding the shame train. i've been in therapy for 4 months and i'm a long way from where i was in the beginning even though a lot of days it doesn't feel like it. i think the one of the worst things about having major depression aside from the lovely thoughts attacking me all day long is the way it makes me behave. the fatigue was so bad that i couldn't get up to cook or play with the kids. my house has been a mounting disaster for months but i just haven't had the energy. the fact that i'm cooking meals and playing with my daughters now is huge for me. cleaning and, gasp, organizing is still where i'm coming up short. and if you look at me the wrong way i still might burst into tears. i'm a smidge better than that now but only a smidge. having this today totally sucks. i'm sure it would have sucked equally back when it was less public and referred to as melancholia (abe lincoln had it!), but now it's almost cliche. i'm A) a mom, B) a momtog/wannabe photographer and C) i have a mood disorder. isn't that what all the cool kids have nowadays? *womp womp*

but i'm trying to move forward and take hold of my life. i have felt very motivated with the new year and my improvements in therapy, so i'm going to try and "go for it" in a few areas of my life. i'm going to try to quit soda and lose weight. like really try. not go to the gym but grab a diet coke on the way out kind of try. and i'm going to try to launch my photography here. the worst that could happen is it could go the way it is now, which is nothing. i'll build up my portfolio and do a little marketing and see what comes of it.

i've been reading a lot of books about depression and self worth and have been searching for a bible verse that really feels comforting. i've never really had a verse that stood out to me in times of need but this time, i keep hearing/seeing this one come up and really believe God is showing it to me.

Psalm 34:17-20

17 

The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them;

    he delivers them from all their troubles.

18 

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted

    and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

19 

The righteous person may have many troubles,

    but the Lord delivers him from them all;

20 

he protects all his bones,

    not one of them will be broken.

"...and saves those who are crushed in spirit." i would say crushed in spirit is pretty much how i would describe myself these last few months. so i'm clinging to this as if He had written my name down in that verse. it means i might just resurface.

my word for this year is REVIVE and i am planning on doing just that.