i miss home.

i know that Charlotte isn't our home anymore and we're in a fine place here. i know that eventually we'll make friends and feel more settled. i'm worried about feeling unsettled all the time but i know that comes with the territory. the problem is that i miss home.

i'm going to be honest for a minute and it's about material things. well, one material thing.

i miss my house. and it's not that it was a big fancy perfect house, it wasn't. but it was exactly what we needed and i absolutely loved living there. i like home ownership. i like thinking (although i was naive, i guess) that the furniture i buy isn't going to get smashed during more moves because i bought it for this corner and that is where it will live until its dying day. i like painting and decorating rooms. i was about halfway done painting the house when we knew we'd have to move. one of the first things i thought was, "but i just got done painting!" i figured we'd move when we outgrew the house and not a moment before.

it must be the sense of purpose i felt in my own house. right now i'm in someone else's house. i hate it. the house itself is completely fine, and i'm trying to make it feel like ours. but we won't be painting. we won't be buying any furniture. most of our stuff was broken in the move or scratched beyond repair and i cried for a long time. we bought that stuff for our home and now that we don't have one, we're just bouncing along without a place to grow roots.

as a creative without a creative job, i turn that energy on my house. so i feel like i'm flailing right now and it's very upsetting. i know in the grand scheme of things it doesn't matter, but that doesn't change my heart. i just want to feel like myself again. and i want to not miss my house so much.